The "frailty and fragility" of keeping a band together

I've been married a long time...a long time. I've always said it's the most difficult job I've ever had. It takes a lot of hard work to keep a marriage going and going in a positive direction.

I've also been in a lot of bands and it's a lot like a marriage...only worse. Because in marriage, you only have to deal with one other person. Over time, you can learn more about them and they you. You can adjust as needed and they can adjust to you. You can concede, bargain, negotiate, reason, argue and hopefully find common ground to move along.

Now multiply that by 3, 4, 5 or more. It's not possible.

The Rolling Stones, Rush, Yes, The Eagles....they're all anomalies. They have persevered. Oh, there have been rocky roads...even personnel moves all made for "the good of the band". They're have been hiatus', even break-ups and reconciliations.

It probably takes no more than the two hands to count the bands who have successfully remained together through two decades. You wouldn't need more than one hand to count the bands together for three or more decades.

I was reminded...again, yesterday just how frail and fragile a band can be.

I learned many years ago that you should never stop looking for your next job and you should never stop looking for your next gig. It's smart advice and I think it has a lot to do with the creative ego and with expectations. Be it reasonable or unreasonable....met and unmet. It also has a lot to do with honesty and the inability to apply it in a band environment.

It's unreasonable to expect my sole allegiance to any project. Unless you're paying me a full time wage, I consider myself a contract employee. I'll spend my own time to come up to speed with your material, but my talents are not free and when the band plays, I expect an equal cut of the nights proceeds. I'm also free to do the same thing with any other bands who desires my services.

I've never understood the whole "you belong to this band" mentality. I've also never understood the negative connotation of the "hired gun". We're all "hired guns" none of us have security within any project...each of us could be replaced easily and quickly. In fact, I've heard it said many times that "every time a change is made, we got better".

I'm a music whore and I play for money. I'm playing songs right now that I hate. I'm not kidding. I hate the songs I play. I thought if I ever played some of these songs ever again, my arms would fall off. For every song in the playlist that i like there are three that I hate.....HATE. But I play them with vigor. I play them with a smile on my face and I play them like it's the last song I'll ever play. The set lists have nothing to do with me. Never have, never will. It's all about playing what the listeners want to hear and facilitating their enjoyment for the evening. The songs I hate....well, at the end of the night, I'm handed some cash to take the sting out.

A very well meaning person asked me recently if my band would like to play their venue. "It doesn't pay", she said, "but it does provide great exposure". At first I playfully responded that "I shouldn't be exposing myself in public anymore". Then a little more seriously explained, "When I went to the music store to get my drum kit, I asked them if I could have it for free and play it for the exposure." "They told me no, I'd have to pay for it."
A little embarressed now, this well-meaning person admitted that the pitch doesn't always work, but it's worth a try because sometimes she gets a "yes."

So, it's nothing short of a minor miracle that bands stay together for 6 months....a year. It's no wonder that personnel changes don't occur more frequently than they do.

It's hard enough to find two people who'll agree on enough issues to stay together in a marriage for a long time. To find 3 or more people who can agree to stay in a band for more than a few months...well, the honeymoon period for a band keeps growing shorter and shorter.