Dilemma: Should I Talk or Shut Up?

It’s a quandary. When I joined "Impact", they had a pretty good plan together. They had executed the plan before. They had confidence in the plan and really weren’t looking for any ideas. The only question for me personally was: do I join them or not? Easy…
Same thing happened when I joined "The Saints" in 2002. They were a working, gigging band. There was no ambivalence about the direction of the band or what they wanted to do. Again, the only question was join them or not.
So, it’s really come to this: I will no longer simply agree to an audition with a band before meeting with them to find out, specifically-- what they want to do, what they want to play, where they want to play, how much they expect to play, how much they expect to earn, where and how often they want to rehearse and how firm they are in the execution of the plan; whether or not there’s any wiggle room in the plan, the set lists, the players, etc.
When that doesn’t exist—when there is no set plan—when there is no clear cut decisive direction in place, I have traditionally offered a few suggestions. It’s never intended as a power play. I really, truly don’t WANT to manage a band. I have and I will –reluctantly—but I really don’t want to. I would much rather learn my songs, show up on time, play with fervor, collect my pay and go home.
So it is-- that, on occasion, I speak from my experience to a few of my beliefs. What I think works well in live environments, what songs might play well in which rooms. I always suggest to bands that aren’t working to go to the rooms they want to play—several times and study hard what is being played and how it’s going over. That “should” tell you everything you need to know about what you need to do.
Still, whatever advice or suggestions that I impart are never received well. I can’t help but wonder if it’s the drummer syndrome—“just shut up and play”. I’ve dealt with that a lot! Or is it fear that I would be trying to take things over? Or is it simply that they want to learn for themselves or maybe they already know but don’t want to say anything.
This is getting too damned difficult. Hell, I just want to play. "Shut Up" has worked well in the past, but "Talk" has never seemed to work. Funny too, that when I take the "Shut Up" approach--invariably band members come up to me at some point wondering if I’m happy or not because “I’m so quiet”.