OK, We're serious drummers...either come play our crap or the punkrockers "get it"!

When I thought I'd heard it all from the desperate yet aspiring punk, screamo, ska, death metal, thrashers, shredder guitarists... here they come again with some of the most amusing posts imaginable.

"There Are Still No Drummers" is the headline for the latest literary masterpiece gracing the "Musicians Wanted" pages today.

I'll post the ad in it's entirety and provide the interpretation/filtering through a drummers ears.... (in parenthesis) Remember, this is for entertainment purposes only. Any resemblance to any real ad (living or dead) is purely coincidental.

"OK, so we've posted looking for a drummer. We've tried Craig's List. We've tried Backpage. We've tried leaving flyers up around the practice space. We've tried trolling posts to look and see if there are any drummers available. "(We're not giving up damn it, even though the court papers say we have to stay 100 feet away from drummers)

"We THOUGHT that there were just no drummers in the entire D/FW area. But we were wrong. "(wait a minute...were we right and now we're wrong again?)" The last time we posted this ad, we got several interested individuals but we're back to the drawing board for a few reasons"(OK, we were wrong the first time and now we're wrong again...or are we right this time?)
"One didn't work out because he didn't like punk, "(He executed his exit strategy), "one we really gelled with after a little practice, but he had too many conflicts with work and other activities" (He executed his exit strategy), "and the last guy we had for several weeks and were really working out with until he had an accident and is now unable to play drums for several months" (He almost executed himself).

"So if we've been through all three available drummers, we're back to thinking there are no more drummers in D/FW" (Shall I call the "whaaaaa-bulance).

"We're a couple o guys rounding early thirties who get together every couple of weeks and play punk and pop-punk stuff along the lines of NOFX or Nerf Herder" (our other influences..."Pooping in Birds Nests, "Stuffing Rocks Up Our Arses", "Gouging Our Eyes Out With Scissors" and "Piercing Our nipples with Railroad Spikes").

"We have a ton of original material and are looking for someone relatively stable "(good luck) "who isn't looking to get famous all of a sudden but wants to jam and play some shows" (for free?).

"Have a few contacts around town with gigging bands and could probably piggy back a show or two on them to get started. We've also got at least a couple of people that want to come WATCH us play." (ooooooo, where do I sign up?)

"So really, all that is missing from this equation is you. A drummer." (A drummer? really)

"If you want to listen to some old crap, and see what you are getting into - check out http://www.myspace.combut we're a bit less poppy than that now with our new stuff, though we still would like to play some old songs." (You'll play what we tell you to play and LIKE IT)

"EMAIL us." (Pleeeezzzeeee)

"If you have friends that are drummers that are always complaining "I'd like to play, but there are no punk bands in D/FW" then you should print this and take it to them." (No, we mean it . Print the damn ad and take it to everyone you know...even if they can't play drums)

"Disclaimer:" (Uh-oh)

"No crackheads" (Mom says we can't pick up and drop off anymore "friends" who smell funny and act weird), little kids (court ordered), "people that really hate punk or aren't willing to try it out" (we hate closed minded people....like us), "people that don't like to play drums or don't own drums" (mom says we can't afford anymore musical equipment) "or only want to play Rush all day" (sorry Neil). "No seriously old guys either" (anyone over 35?) - "by old we mean classic rock types" (anything from anyone successful) - "not trying to be rude, but we're both in our early thirties" (and we just can't help it) "and kinda looking for someone around the same situation, etc." (seriously stuck in my moms garage but never the less, living the dream)

"So, what are you waiting for" (operators are standing by) "Prove us wrong about there not being any drummers out there" (and about the need to execute the English language with precision). "Call or e-mail soon" (so we can abuse your ears with drop d, three chord masterpieces with no hooks, melodies, chorus', lyrics or endings, not play out, not pay you or give you any hope for your future)

"Thanks." (you're welcome)

The Kelly Shu Mount

I am the proud owner of one Kelly Shu Mount. I've been eyeing this thing for a while, since DW has pretty much dropped the ball on trying to sell any May Mounts. I've never seen a company so intent on trying to kill one of their product lines....but anyway.
I love the Shu Mount. Easy to order, quick to arrive. The invoice even contained a nice little "handwritten" note from Mr. Kelly. Great instructions, which I promptly threw away. I'm a man.
From the moment I started taking the front head off, the mount was installed in less than 30 minutes. I went with a pretty standard installation. I waited till the next day to install my AKG D112. I had to purchase a soldering iron and learn how to use it. But even that went well. I did use a much hardier mic cable and it took some doing to fish it through the air vent, but the entire design and look has a certain elegance to it.
The only change I would make is to add a mount for the male XLR connector that would bolt to one of the claw mounts on the drum. I've checked around and none seem to exist. My cable dangles on the floor and I don't much care for that. Otherwise, it's a good system.
I couldn't wait to try it out and got my chance pretty quickly. I had already decided to take a much smaller kit to the next gig, but once the Shu mount was installed, I just had to take the big kit to check it out. I'm told the sound from the kick was incredible. I'm sure a lot of that has to do with the D112, but the shu mount places the mic in such a sweet spot, it would be difficult not to give it a lot of credit to Kelly for the astonishing sound. Better than a mic stand in front of the drum head...which I've always hated.
The sound guys love me now, because we won't have to fight about putting a hole in my resonance head. I refuse because DW's heads are sonically vented for optimal sound quality. Plus, they can blame me if it doesn't sound good....even though it's there fault. By the way, I installed a "holz" system in one of my Yamaha kits...and it rattles...loudly!
The only reason this device doesn't get a 10 from me is the lack of a mounting device for the cable...otherwise it's perfect.