Everybody wants one, no one can have one

Being a drummer, I've heard all the jokes. Most make me laugh, some make me cringe. There's a lot of truth in humor.
I completely understand that my brethren have made cause and case for the often used label, "flaky". I prefer "crunchy", but "flaky" it is.

There is, however, a menace to the the music world that out-flakes all other species in the flaky music kingdom. That of the keyboardist.

This ever elusive creature stirs about without "people skills" necessary to carry on even the most benign of conversations. The keyboardists demands are great and expectations even greater. This is without a doubt, the "holier than thous" of them all.

Clever too. Those who seek to capture a keyboardist soon discover that it is the keyboardist that has, in fact captured them. They're quick to overcome common sense. Quick to charm those around them with melodic sounds giving reason and meaning to music, even adding enormous possibilities that never before existed.

Lo, once this musical beast has lay root and captured the hearts and minds of those around them, the games soon begin. Like a lion plays with it's food before consuming, the keyboardist soon begins to lay the foundation for their future relationship within the new tribe.

Practice? Keyboardists don't practice. Practice is for the weak and foolish. Practice takes time and effort and the keyboardist has neither... For the keyboardist has "skills" and never makes mistakes.

Start-ups? You amuse the keyboardist like no other. The keyboardist simply swats away the notion like one would a pesky housefly.

Ideas? Now you're just really getting on the keyboardists nerves. The keyboardist doesn't want to hear your ideas. They only want to speak their own ideas. Everyone must listen, savor and employ the keyboardists ideas.

New songs? You anger the keyboardist. There are no new songs worthy of the keyboardists efforts. The keyboardist has spent an entire lifetime... often times, many minutes, perhaps even a few hours, learning the songs they already know. This is enough for the keyboardist. You must play what the keyboardist already knows.

Pay? Now you're talking the keyboardists language. You must not only pay but sacrifice to keep your keyboardist in the fold. If that means others must suffer...so be it.

Commitment? This fascinates the keyboardist. Surely everyone knows and understands that no one entity could ever completely "possess" a keyboardist. No. The keyboardist must remain free and untethered to ply their immense talents to others...many others. For you see, the keyboardist lives to capture the hearts and minds of all who would believe the notion that to have a keyboardist is necessary in the musical world.

I once thought I might become a keyboardist. I toyed with the idea of joining the elite group of artists and zen masters who mesmerize, seemingly effortlessly and gifting all who will hear the magic contained in their fingertips.

Sadly, I can't. It turns out I have a heart and a soul.

Join a Band...Get your arse kicked

This forum....writing my thoughts about drumming and the DFW music arena is more for and about me than any potential readers. It may have no readers at all and that's fine. It's my outlet to say things that rattle around in my head and would stay in there, rattling around, if it weren't for this blog.
So, I feel I can comment on anything without repercussions. After all, these are my opinions and not necessarily those of this station.
As I usually do everyday...I'm trolling through the musician wanted classifieds on line and run across this little jewel. I'm telling you (or me...whoever is reading this) this stuff just cannot be made up.

Again, I'll post the ad verbatim, in it's entirety and add my comments through a drummers ears in parentheses.

The headline is: established local band seeks solid drummer (I'm gonna have to knock of 10 points for mis-capitalization)

We are an established local band looking for a solid drummer with finesse and a strong work ethic. (So far OK...might be a promising opportunity) We open national and international shows regularly (uh-oh, look out for the embellishment...she's gonna blow) as well as play a great deal of local shows in general. (as opposed to playing a great deal of local shows in corporal) We are looking for a competent drummer (that will lay down at the door so we can wipe our feet on him as we enter the room) that is capable of playing out of town shows on occasion (paying your own way and loaning us some money to travel) as well recording and furthering ourselves as a band and musicians. (We can't do this by ourselves) We are not simply interested in being local but going as far as possible with our music. (All the way to Waco, if possible) We are all very dedicated to this vision and expect the same from possible candidates. (Look we're expecting "ones" and "ones" of candidates, so we're gonna strike as much fear and intimidation into you as we can) Please no drug users ( social drinking is acceptable as long as it is in moderation) (and you supply the beer at every rehearsal) no egotistical fu#@s (confidence is ones ability is one thing, an ego will get your ass kicked)(ooooo, can I get my ass kicked, please), must be able to show for practice at least 3 times a week (exceptions will be made for certain events, things do happen that no one can control)(Death for example....we would excuse your absence due to your death, but don;t let it happen again), Must be willing to pay your share of the rent for practice space (Rent as of now is $50 a member and due the first of every month, no exceptions) (And if it keeps going up, don't worry...everyone is paying the same amount...as far as you know). If you feel you can abide by these requests, please contact the e-mail (m******75@yahoo.com) address given and we can get you samples of the material (not completed songs, just samples....we don't want you THAT prepared) we already have and would be more than happy to setup an audition. (So we can kick your ass)
p.s. if you can't play a blast beat (at least 400 BPM... accurately) or count past the number blue, (the number black follows blue, right?) don't waste your time or ours. (We'll be just fine without you...we'll just kick each others asses)

The "frailty and fragility" of keeping a band together

I've been married a long time...a long time. I've always said it's the most difficult job I've ever had. It takes a lot of hard work to keep a marriage going and going in a positive direction.

I've also been in a lot of bands and it's a lot like a marriage...only worse. Because in marriage, you only have to deal with one other person. Over time, you can learn more about them and they you. You can adjust as needed and they can adjust to you. You can concede, bargain, negotiate, reason, argue and hopefully find common ground to move along.

Now multiply that by 3, 4, 5 or more. It's not possible.

The Rolling Stones, Rush, Yes, The Eagles....they're all anomalies. They have persevered. Oh, there have been rocky roads...even personnel moves all made for "the good of the band". They're have been hiatus', even break-ups and reconciliations.

It probably takes no more than the two hands to count the bands who have successfully remained together through two decades. You wouldn't need more than one hand to count the bands together for three or more decades.

I was reminded...again, yesterday just how frail and fragile a band can be.

I learned many years ago that you should never stop looking for your next job and you should never stop looking for your next gig. It's smart advice and I think it has a lot to do with the creative ego and with expectations. Be it reasonable or unreasonable....met and unmet. It also has a lot to do with honesty and the inability to apply it in a band environment.

It's unreasonable to expect my sole allegiance to any project. Unless you're paying me a full time wage, I consider myself a contract employee. I'll spend my own time to come up to speed with your material, but my talents are not free and when the band plays, I expect an equal cut of the nights proceeds. I'm also free to do the same thing with any other bands who desires my services.

I've never understood the whole "you belong to this band" mentality. I've also never understood the negative connotation of the "hired gun". We're all "hired guns" none of us have security within any project...each of us could be replaced easily and quickly. In fact, I've heard it said many times that "every time a change is made, we got better".

I'm a music whore and I play for money. I'm playing songs right now that I hate. I'm not kidding. I hate the songs I play. I thought if I ever played some of these songs ever again, my arms would fall off. For every song in the playlist that i like there are three that I hate.....HATE. But I play them with vigor. I play them with a smile on my face and I play them like it's the last song I'll ever play. The set lists have nothing to do with me. Never have, never will. It's all about playing what the listeners want to hear and facilitating their enjoyment for the evening. The songs I hate....well, at the end of the night, I'm handed some cash to take the sting out.

A very well meaning person asked me recently if my band would like to play their venue. "It doesn't pay", she said, "but it does provide great exposure". At first I playfully responded that "I shouldn't be exposing myself in public anymore". Then a little more seriously explained, "When I went to the music store to get my drum kit, I asked them if I could have it for free and play it for the exposure." "They told me no, I'd have to pay for it."
A little embarressed now, this well-meaning person admitted that the pitch doesn't always work, but it's worth a try because sometimes she gets a "yes."

So, it's nothing short of a minor miracle that bands stay together for 6 months....a year. It's no wonder that personnel changes don't occur more frequently than they do.

It's hard enough to find two people who'll agree on enough issues to stay together in a marriage for a long time. To find 3 or more people who can agree to stay in a band for more than a few months...well, the honeymoon period for a band keeps growing shorter and shorter.