Drummer Killer Needed

Had to pass this along. As a drummer, I have no idea what this guy is talking about...but I do hear stories...

Looking for someone special who would kill my drummer for $100.00. Do not fear any negative consequences for this act. Any self respecting law enforcement agency would gladly turn the other cheek once they hear this guy "play".

I am tired of hearing his 70's style fills put in the wrong spot and ending one half beat early or late depending on how much he's had to drink. I am tired of him standing up behind his drums between songs and ripping his shirt off and flexing his muscles at wedding receptions where we are hired to play Air Supply, Carpenters and Anne Murray songs because "chicks dig the pec's dude".

I am tired of him showing up 20 minutes late for rehearsals and then pouting until someone helps him load in his drums, then taking 30 minutes to set them up and needing a smoke break every 15 minutes, then wanting to leave early because "this chick is so fine, I can't say no and she knows record people dude, so it's for the band".

I am totally done with him calling me at midnight to play me some damn jazz fusion album from 1981, crying and saying how we shouldn't have sold out to "the man" and asking if I know anyone who can get him some weed knowing full well I smoked twice in 69 and never touched it after that.

I am sick of him farting on stage where the drum mics can pick it up and thinking this is funny. I am tired of kicking off slow ballads at well under 80 bpm only to have them morph into a methamphetamine version of 'flight of the bumblebee' because that's the tempo his feels it at.

I am tired of having to carry jumper cables to the gig because "I must of of left the dome light on again, dude" instead of admitting his 1984 Oldsmobile is a worn out piece of crap. I am tired of him asking when he's gonna get a drum solo. I am tired of paying his tab at restaurants because "that chick must of stole my wallet man", but she was worth it 'cause she was a phreak"..

I will not move my amp again so he can put another new cymbal on the stage because "when we learn some fusion, I'll need this sound".... Please somebody, kill this turkey. I can't do it because he's my brother and my mom would be pissed, even though she thinks the band would probably sound better too.

Besides, if you are good at killing drummers, you could probably make a lot of money in this town.

Allegedly posted recently on Craigslist.